Hello there,
Welcome back! I have an exciting post for all the parents out there today I’m eager to share with you.
When we surveyed a group of SCTF parents on topics they’d enjoy learning about, one of the ideas generated was conflict management and communication skills. This post offers some bite-sized knowledge on one aspect of handling conflict.
All of us get into conflict from time to time. Experiencing moments of tension or disagreement is human nature. Believe it or not, small doses of conflict can be healthy for relationships. Getting into manageable conflict is part of learning to express needs, desires and work together as a unit to achieve goals.
Sometimes conflict gets sour and certain behaviors join the conversation that take away from the progress that can often result from a well-managed interaction. These behaviors are what I want to share with you now.
Communication scholars often reflect on the work of Dr. John Gottman at The Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com). Dr. Gottman identified four negative communication patterns leading to relationship failure (break-ups, divorce, excommunication, abandonment and more). Dr. Gottman found that some combination of these four behaviors was present in 90% of failed relationships and named them the Four Horsemen.
Criticism - “You are so _____” or “You always _____.”
The problem:
Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character traits typically while trying to make someone right and someone wrong. Criticism often looks like people making generalizations: “You are always so…” “You never do….” “Why are you so…” Criticism is harmful because it is person directed instead of behavior directed and doesn’t move people towards connection.
The solution:
Address problems or perceived problems without placing blame or shame. Focus on the specific behavior being exhibited that bothers you and why it’s important to you the behavior gets extra attention. Share how you feel when something happens and what you need to feel satisfied with an interaction. Some parents may find the following example all too familiar:
Contempt – “You’re such a child.”
The problem:
Contempt involves attacking a person’s sense of self with intent to insult, harm or psychologically “get in their head.” This usually looks like insults and name calling, rude or mean humor that definitely isn’t funny, using sarcasm or making a mockery of someone. Contempt can also come out in a person’s body language or tone of voice: harsh sneering, rolling eyes or a curling upper lip.
The solution:
Establish a relational culture of respect. Make it normal to express appreciation for one another. Instead of saying something harmful, take a strength-based approach and try to look on the bright side.
Criticism - “You are so _____” or “You always _____.”
The problem:
Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character traits typically while trying to make someone right and someone wrong. Criticism often looks like people making generalizations: “You are always so…” “You never do….” “Why are you so…” Criticism is harmful because it is person directed instead of behavior directed and doesn’t move people towards connection.
The solution:
Address problems or perceived problems without placing blame or shame. Focus on the specific behavior being exhibited that bothers you and why it’s important to you the behavior gets extra attention. Share how you feel when something happens and what you need to feel satisfied with an interaction. Some parents may find the following example all too familiar:
- The Horseman: “You’re always so secretive and never tell me anything. You just lock yourself in your room and shut me out.”
- Instead try this: “I’m feeling left out and want to hear about your day. It would mean a lot to me if we could check in from time to time so I can know how you’re really doing.”
Contempt – “You’re such a child.”
The problem:
Contempt involves attacking a person’s sense of self with intent to insult, harm or psychologically “get in their head.” This usually looks like insults and name calling, rude or mean humor that definitely isn’t funny, using sarcasm or making a mockery of someone. Contempt can also come out in a person’s body language or tone of voice: harsh sneering, rolling eyes or a curling upper lip.
The solution:
Establish a relational culture of respect. Make it normal to express appreciation for one another. Instead of saying something harmful, take a strength-based approach and try to look on the bright side.
- The Horseman: “I can’t believe you seriously forgot your homework again. You’re so stupid!”
- Instead try this: “I understand you have a lot going on right now. I’ve forgotten important papers at home too. Your homework is a big part of your grade and I know you can do better to remember it in the future.”
Defensiveness – “Yeah but you started it!”
The problem:
Defensiveness involves viewing yourself in the role of victim in attempts to fend off perceived attacks or reverse the blame. Appearing defensive is a form of self-preservation many people, especially youth, exhibit when being criticized. Defensive strategies are famous for escalating conflict and avoiding the problem at hand.
Defensiveness can look like..
The solution:
Model good behavior by accepting responsibility for your own actions and acknowledging you can’t control other people’s behavior. Communicate the value of responsibility and integrity.
Stonewalling – “It’s fine.”
The problem:
Stonewalling involves leaving the conversation or withdrawing as a way to avoid starting an argument. People perceive they are helping by staying out of it but it can really make things worse.
People who stonewall appear cold, distant or seem as though they don’t care. They may leave the room, give the silent treatment, only respond with short and quick mutters or try to change the subject.
The solution:
Sometimes immediately talking about it or taking a “let’s just get this over with” approach isn’t the best strategy. When you sense stonewalling behaviors in yourself or your child, offer to take a break. Suggest 15 to 20 minutes of self-care time (read a magazine, go for a walk, take a short nap) and return to the interaction when everyone has a lower heart rate and a more level head. Make sure to monitor these breaks so they don’t turn into an avoidance tactic.
Whatever the approach, bottom line is you have to communicate to each other when one of you is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally flooded.
Putting it All Together
There are a few key takeaways about managing conflict I hope to leave you with. These remedies are based on the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail:
Conflict is never fun nor is it easy. My hope is that knowing about the Four Horsemen will help you identify unhealthy communication patterns as they occur and shift your approach to the situation. Know that young people may resort to these behaviors before learning more complex and mature ways of handling overwhelming situations. Guide them in navigating these difficult conversations.
Having humility is extremely important when approaching conflict, especially when there is a huge power dynamic at play like there is with a parent-child argument. Remember that nobody is the expert in dealing with their own conflict and each case needs to be treated with kindness and grace.
Sending my best,
Christopher Belisle at SCTF
Sources include:
The Gottman Institute: www.Gottman.com
Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (http://azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf)
The problem:
Defensiveness involves viewing yourself in the role of victim in attempts to fend off perceived attacks or reverse the blame. Appearing defensive is a form of self-preservation many people, especially youth, exhibit when being criticized. Defensive strategies are famous for escalating conflict and avoiding the problem at hand.
Defensiveness can look like..
- Making excuses- Things happened that were out of your control
- Yes- but ____: Start off agreeing with the statement but negating it with a statement that removes blame from yourself
- Repeating your own arguments without listening to what the other person is saying
- Declaring things are not fair and refusing to listen
- Cross-complaining: Replying to a complaint with a (sometimes unrelated) complaint of your own
The solution:
Model good behavior by accepting responsibility for your own actions and acknowledging you can’t control other people’s behavior. Communicate the value of responsibility and integrity.
- The Horseman: “Well it’s certainly not my fault you can’t seem to finish your chores.”
- Instead try this: “Everyone is expected to contribute and do their part in this house. I could have been better at reminding you and communicating what needed to be done. I expect you to put in the extra effort too.”
Stonewalling – “It’s fine.”
The problem:
Stonewalling involves leaving the conversation or withdrawing as a way to avoid starting an argument. People perceive they are helping by staying out of it but it can really make things worse.
People who stonewall appear cold, distant or seem as though they don’t care. They may leave the room, give the silent treatment, only respond with short and quick mutters or try to change the subject.
The solution:
Sometimes immediately talking about it or taking a “let’s just get this over with” approach isn’t the best strategy. When you sense stonewalling behaviors in yourself or your child, offer to take a break. Suggest 15 to 20 minutes of self-care time (read a magazine, go for a walk, take a short nap) and return to the interaction when everyone has a lower heart rate and a more level head. Make sure to monitor these breaks so they don’t turn into an avoidance tactic.
Whatever the approach, bottom line is you have to communicate to each other when one of you is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally flooded.
- The Horseman: “Forget it. I’ve moved on and don’t want to talk about it.”
- Instead try: “I’m having a hard time talking about this right now. Can we press pause for a few minutes and come back to it after I’m feeling more grounded?”
Putting it All Together
There are a few key takeaways about managing conflict I hope to leave you with. These remedies are based on the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail:
- Make comments about the specific behavior that is upsetting or triggering you and be confident in calling out comments that aren’t specific
- Openly discuss how or what you are feeling. Offer validation when others do the same
- Establish a norm of taking responsibility for your actions and don’t always claim to be the victim
- Offer more statements of appreciation than of complaints
- If a conversation isn’t getting anywhere, take a break and try it again a different way
Conflict is never fun nor is it easy. My hope is that knowing about the Four Horsemen will help you identify unhealthy communication patterns as they occur and shift your approach to the situation. Know that young people may resort to these behaviors before learning more complex and mature ways of handling overwhelming situations. Guide them in navigating these difficult conversations.
Having humility is extremely important when approaching conflict, especially when there is a huge power dynamic at play like there is with a parent-child argument. Remember that nobody is the expert in dealing with their own conflict and each case needs to be treated with kindness and grace.
Sending my best,
Christopher Belisle at SCTF
Sources include:
The Gottman Institute: www.Gottman.com
Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (http://azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf)
